Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Stubborn Clay

Hello Loves!

It is that time of the year again, CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!
My first complete white Christmas. This past weekend we had over 20 inches of snow in this area! Definitely a record for the part of Americurr I am in! It was beautiful, my family was not too pleased. They are too used to the heat! I do not believe I am not going to Nigeria, but the fam is in so I feel like I'm at home, totally. With the crayfish smells, and pepper soup in the freezer, Garri in a bowl, noise - lots and lots of it - and gyea, just all-round house girl-ish duties, lol.
I am very grateful to God for journey mercies. This was the longest I had gone without seeing my little sisters. My baby brother is sooo grown now it is unbelievable. Anyway, enough about them.

Tomorrow is my older sister's graduation. Well, technically it's today since it's almost 1am. My outfit is still at the tailor's *moment of silence*.
It's going to be a full house tomorrow and I am very grateful that God provided money for her tuition, and generally saw her through 4 years of school. She's done with the first step of her road to becoming a doctor. woop! woop!

This week I have gone through a bunch of emotions. My tailor back home has my measurements all mixed up so the 3 beautiful outfits my Mum made for me did not fit. I had to find another tailor in America but before then I had a bout of low self esteem-ness. I am not fat, by any standards, but all my sisters are model-skinny, so I erm, kind of stand out, lol. Anyway, I was very self conscious when they tried on their outfits and they fit while mine was just odd. Since then I have been saying Kate Moss' Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels' over and over again in my head. Sometimes it is as a joke, other times it is because in my heart of hearts I want to be petite. Dear Lord, please help me be satisfied with my body because Psalm 139:14 says "I will praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made".

All of this week I have been getting bad news, grades wise. Classes I assumed I was assured of an A are now spitting out Bs. Another self esteem blow. I do not know if it is that I was a bit over confident. But I never claimed the glory for myself or made it an issue of 'oh now I'm focused so I'll do better'. I also do not know what lesson I am supposed to get out of all this. This is the major reason my week has been upside down.
Today my Mum took me to get a manicure and do my eye brows. As usual, I was impatient and brought my hands out of the dryer before the nail polish was properly dry. As usual, one finger got smudged. While the lady re-did my nails I thought about my relationship with God and how it is similar to this.
Clearly He is the potter but I am like stubborn clay. Telling Him I want to be beautiful and useful but not letting He who sees my future mold me the way He deems best.
I ask for God to give me oil in my lamp and keep it burning till the bridegroom comes.
I ask for God to birth a hunger and thirst for Him in me and let it grow instead of waning.
Yet I never stay long enough in the Holy of Holies and the seat of His 'heat' to let the fire consume me, all of me and totally dry up on me before I jump up and do my own thing.
So, like the nail polish that smudges which I desire to make me more beautiful, my focus and fire smudge and get blurry when I refuse to sit still and let God surround me.
In 2010, I am going to work on Letting Go and Letting God. And not just the saying, but actually applying it to my life.

So Baba Jesus, I do not understand why my grades are going kolomental but yes, I'll trust You Lord.

xxx's and Jesus loves you!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Judge Judy

Last night forward slash this morning I stayed up later than I usually do because I had to study for my french Final.
It was while I was reviewing all I had to that I stumbled on this song 'Healer'
It's so funny the way the Holy Spirit works. Nothing about Him is random. After listening to this song, I googled the man in question, Michael Guglielmucci. Apparently, he had deceived his congregation, family and millions around the World that he had cancer. He did this for two years when in fact no doctor had ever diagnosed him as being a cancer patient. When the news broke everyone was shocked. Yes, people had made donations to his cause but that was not the point, it did not seem like he was after the money plus his family had promised to return the money and all that good stuff.
It was more so, why would someone deceive everyone that cares about them so much? Why would you want to put your family and loved ones through all this pain? Some say he wanted fame, and this brought him more attention than anything else. Others, and Michael himself stated that he used the cancer as a cover up, some sort of diversion. Truth is Michael was addicted to pornography, he had been for some years now so when he told everyone he had cancer it shifted their attention from this young man, this human being who was battling with addiction to pornography to this strong pastor whose eyes were set on the Lord despite the doctor's diagnosis.
He released this song and it moved THOUSANDS, literally.
After I watched that video I forwarded the song to one of my friends and when I woke up this morning the first thing I saw was an email from her.
She mentioned how she only found the song/video the day before because she was praying for her friend who was not feeling too well. But then she said after she read all the stories about him she got upset at his deceit and all that. It was not until I sent her the video that she realized God wanted her to see it.
Maybe see it for more than what it was?
Matthew 7:1 says "Do not judge so that you too will not be judged"

That is a Bible verse I try to live by.
But then I watched this video of my angels
4 years ago yesterday, on December 10th 2005, 60 of our friends, classmates, table members, boyfriends, girlfriends, sisters and brothers from High School were involved in a plane crash, along with many other people. At least 10 of them were my really good friends.
I tried to stay off facebook yesterday because most of my friends' statuses were dedicated to them but it is not just that I was sad because truth be told, I wasn't.
It was more so, 4 years later, what does Nigeria have to show for what we went through?
And then I watched this video and remembered the promises we made as students after the plane crash. All the pledges we made and one caught my eye:
We shall pray for Nigeria.
All I do is yap my country, well more often than not. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE NIGERIA, but there are times when I just get burdened and angry. Like I ask why this, why that.
How is it that in the 21st century we do not have constant light or water or enough good schools? Why are lecturers going on strike? Why can't they get paid?
Oh wow the list is long. But most importantly why did my friends die. This could have been avoided, right?
And that's where it starts. I judge everyone that might have played a part, from the top all the way to the bottom.

4 years later I am such a stronger person for all this. I am not angry at the World anymore but one thing I am is grateful. Through all this God taught me to '...lean not on my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him'. [Proverbs 3:5-6]
He taught me that if at first I do not succeed I can pick myself up and try again.
He taught me that what does not break me will only make me stronger.
And He taught me that He heals.
He taught me that He makes all things work together for good for those who love Him.

It is because of that last bit that I refused to judge Michael Guglielmucci. Not because we all make mistakes, but because of the awesome way God brought glory to His name DESPITE the devil's plans.
Remember, if you don't want to praise Him He will raise up the stones to praise Him.

When we pray, we tap into miraculous things.

RIP my boos. I stay missing you! Xxx

Friday, December 4, 2009

Random Tantrum

So it's 9pm on a Friday night. What am I doing? Well I just had my first meal of the day *3 hearty cheers for Chipotle - Woot! Woot! Woot*
I am supposed to be writing a paper but I am a bit restless so I figured I would blog instead. First off, happy new month loves! Make the best of Decemberrr, our last few days in 2009! :)
Feel free to make a difference wherever you can before the year runs out -
Smile at a homeless person
Drop a dollar, a pound or 100 Naira here and there
Or even go as far as giving one of them your breakfast and watch the way their eyes light up!
Make up with that friend you've been beefing all year or semester round.
Call your mum and dad and apologize for that thing you did that you know was wrong.
Text that girl you hurt, tell her you're sorry, and actually mean it. Then give her her space so she can heal instead of getting hung up on you and pining for 'another shot at the r/ship'.
Tell that guy you're tired of seeing him instead of cheating - nothing good ever came out of cheating.

Okay, this post is taking a turn I did not intend for it to take! Lol
I initially meant to complain about my crush
The first crush I ever had was on Michael Jackson. I was somewhere between 7 and 9. Yaaa...we all know how far that got me.
But this one is different. I am much older so I know what I am looking for in a guy - either that or I really just want to know what it feels like to fall in love, like so deep in love plus it has been a while since my last serious relationship. That does not the change the fact that like MJ, this guy is VERY much out of my league *major sad face*
Like I actually just want to move back to Nigeria at this point just so hopefully I would bump into him somewhere, anywhere! [Let a girl dream, okay?]
I am praying God takes away this urge. Okay, that's not completely true. At the back of my mind I am hoping he is the one God chose for me to marry before timeee, that way eventually destiny will pull us together - ewww that sounded so cheesy. Yuck Princess!

Fast forward to reality. I spoke to my mummy, little sister and baby brother last night. I miss them! My brother is really growing up oh and he does the silliest things these days. Countdown till I see them is in full effect.

I wish I was going home for Christmas though. There is no place like Nigeria for Christmas break. Plus I have never spent a Christmas/New year away from the village, yup, we're gangsta like that! Hehe. Does not help that it is supposed to snow this weekend. There go my plans to go get my hair done. I am probably just going to stay in my apartment all day which sucks because I have no groceries so here's a toast to a day of Indomie and water. Bliss.

Okay, I am complaining too much, but I am just in one of those moods. Plus I want to go out dancing. Which is conflicting since I thought it was one of those things I had completely given up on top of this I want to go to London. I miss my best friends!!!
All these make for a not-so-happy Princess :(

Despite my mood, I pray you have a blessed weekend. Don't be like me and forget, for even a second, that God is on the throne. I am just throwing a tantrum but hopefully someone who sees this will remember that no matter where you are, where you're coming from or where you're going to, Jesus is always and forever there and He specializes in meeting us at our points of need and carrying the burden. So do you and let Him do His part :) xxx