Stubborn Clay

Hello Loves!

It is that time of the year again, CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

My first complete white Christmas. This past weekend we had over 20 inches of snow in this area! Definitely a record for the part of Americurr I am in! It was beautiful, my family was not too pleased. They are too used to the heat! I do not believe I am not going to Nigeria, but the fam is in so I feel like I'm at home, totally. With the crayfish smells, and pepper soup in the freezer, Garri in a bowl, noise - lots and lots of it - and gyea, just all-round house girl-ish duties, lol.

I am very grateful to God for journey mercies. This was the longest I had gone without seeing my little sisters. My baby brother is sooo grown now it is unbelievable. Anyway, enough about them.

Tomorrow is my older sister's graduation. Well, technically it's today since it's almost 1am. My outfit is still at the tailor's *moment of silence*.

It's going to be a full house tomorrow and I am very grateful that God provided money for her tuition, and generally saw her through 4 years of school. She's done with the first step of her road to becoming a doctor. woop! woop!

This week I have gone through a bunch of emotions. My tailor back home has my measurements all mixed up so the 3 beautiful outfits my Mum made for me did not fit. I had to find another tailor in America but before then I had a bout of low self esteem-ness. I am not fat, by any standards, but all my sisters are model-skinny, so I erm, kind of stand out, lol. Anyway, I was very self conscious when they tried on their outfits and they fit while mine was just odd. Since then I have been saying Kate Moss' Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels' over and over again in my head. Sometimes it is as a joke, other times it is because in my heart of hearts I want to be petite. Dear Lord, please help me be satisfied with my body because Psalm 139:14 says "I will praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made".

All of this week I have been getting bad news, grades wise. Classes I assumed I was assured of an A are now spitting out Bs. Another self esteem blow. I do not know if it is that I was a bit over confident. But I never claimed the glory for myself or made it an issue of 'oh now I'm focused so I'll do better'. I also do not know what lesson I am supposed to get out of all this. This is the major reason my week has been upside down.

Today my Mum took me to get a manicure and do my eye brows. As usual, I was impatient and brought my hands out of the dryer before the nail polish was properly dry. As usual, one finger got smudged. While the lady re-did my nails I thought about my relationship with God and how it is similar to this.

Clearly He is the potter but I am like stubborn clay. Telling Him I want to be beautiful and useful but not letting He who sees my future mold me the way He deems best.

I ask for God to give me oil in my lamp and keep it burning till the bridegroom comes.

I ask for God to birth a hunger and thirst for Him in me and let it grow instead of waning.

Yet I never stay long enough in the Holy of Holies and the seat of His 'heat' to let the fire consume me, all of me and totally dry up on me before I jump up and do my own thing.

So, like the nail polish that smudges which I desire to make me more beautiful, my focus and fire smudge and get blurry when I refuse to sit still and let God surround me.

In 2010, I am going to work on Letting Go and Letting God. And not just the saying, but actually applying it to my life.

So Baba Jesus, I do not understand why my grades are going kolomental but yes, I'll trust You Lord.

xxx's and Jesus loves you!