I never cease to amaze myself. No, let me rephrase that. Human beings never cease to amaze me. I haven't posted on blogger in the longest time, or even checked up on the blog family as often as I usually would because I have been going through a phase. A phase where I feel very confined, chained, imprisoned, on the verge of anger, anger at everyone and everything w/o any just cause.
The past couple of months I've been "high off the Holy Spirit"
Excited about night vigils and Sunday services and such as no 'sane' 18 year old college student usually is. But all of a sudden the devil decided to vent his anger and stop my joy. And sadly, he has prevailed, a lot more than I'd care to admit.
I have been anti-social...well to most of my Christian friends.
I have been uninterested in any of the vigils, fellowship and such.
I have gone to Church w a thirst because after tasting and seeing that the Lord is good, it is hard to fully go back but after Church I'm ready to just go to my room and do my own thing.
I have desired that guy who has been flirting w me, that 'secular' song I already deleted from my ipod, that romance novel I stashed away ages ago and had two dreams w an ex in two.
And as expected, I feel lost. Nothing makes me happy. Friends do, but inside, deep where it matters, there's a battle. The angels and the Holy Spirit trying to remind me of my first love, the devil telling me my life is a bore and the World is where it's at!
So, I'm not here to say I have fully overcome, for this race is an everyday battle.
I am not about to end in some testimony.
I know what I should do, I just feel a bit of the bad girl streak itching to be known and seen again
I am here to ask for your prayers...that I will never forget my first love
If you deny me before men, I will deny you before my Father in heaven Matthew 10:33
As I wrote this, I listened to Cece Winan's More Than What I Wanted.
He is more than what we've wanted, everything we never had. That's what she sings right? So why do we insist on frustrating Him at every turn?
"You brought the light, now the darkness is gone
The search is over now I know You are the one.
Somebody tell me where does an angel come from"
While you're at it, someone remind me that He IS the one
xxx's and Jesus loves you
Thursday, July 9, 2009
More Than What I Wanted
Posted by Princess at 10:08 PM
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4 comments:
mmmm...Funny. I had just made a comment to someone about you after reading a bunch of your previous posts.
This is going to be a bit long. Forgive me.
When I was about 12yrs old, I had a dream in which God spoke to me and told me to do some things for Him. I wasn't even in a Christian Church at the time. But I gave my life the next day and spent virtually the rest of my teens preaching, praying, studying the Word...basically being as fired up about God as I could.
The strange thing though is that that period was terribly fragmented with a lot of cold periods like what you've just described. In all that time, I joined a crusade team, started a bunch of evangelism teams myself, was a cell leader etc etc etc...but I was never consistent for a full year at any one time. That's how inconsistent I was. Blowing extremely hot at one time and cold the next. You know why? Because I always went with the "feeling". When the "feeling" of God being with me, or of me being on fire was not there, I waned and faltered.
I came to the point where I finally went full circle and made some bad decisions.
What I have learnt from all that is that Love, the Love of God and born of God, is not always a noun. Sometimes its a verb. We act it out even when it doesn't feel like its still there. I've learnt that that God will sometimes be silent, and will on occasion give us the appearance of having withdrawn...but as with all things, it is a test of our true commitment to Him. At those times its our responsibility to hold on.
Hear how Isaiah 64:7 puts it:
"And there is none that calleth upon thy name, that stirreth up himself to take hold of thee"
.....stirreth up himself.
The Wesley's Notes Bible Commentary explains that verse this way:
"That calleth - That call upon thee as they ought. Take hold - Either to stay thee from departing from us, or to fetch thee back when departed."
I know precisely how you feel, 'cos I've been there more times than I can recall. It happens because you have such a strong well of passion, and you take off burning so brightly and with so much energy that when you feel a lack of it, you feel out of sorts. I know...I am the same way. But you aren't alone in the struggle. Just pray...He is there whether or not you "feel" Him. And learn to think of Love as a verb.
As one pastor taught me in my teens, when I went to him for counsel regarding this problem - you will learn as you mature as a Christian, not to judge your rightness before God by feelings. When you do, you will recognize your time of "dryness" as the time when your resolve is being tested, and will reach out to hold onto God yourself.
Sorry for taking up this obscene amount of space :D
Jesus said: "How blessed are those who are hungry and thirsty for righteousness, because it is they who will be satisfied"
Wow! Thank you for letting the Holy Spirit speak through you.
I especially needed to hear this, particularly the last Bible verse. I think my problem is specifically that I am almost tired of seeking as the Lord desires for fear of the 'Worldy' things I'll have to drop.
Which is absurd because I remember telling so many of my friends not to look at it that way but yet I am doing the same thing. From the music I listen to, yes, even the subtle beyonce and alicia keys, to the places I am seen, to the conversations I have. Not to talk of the bigger issues in life. But thank you, I'll send up a prayer of thanksgiving for you today and pray for a new seek in my heart even as I do that! :)
xxxxxxx
Ps, funny how I just spoke to the 'person' you shared you comment w! Lol.
*sigh...its a never ending struggle that we all face daily dear...Just don't let go...and yeah you're makin a mistake forsaking the gathering of believers mayn cuz that is the only way you are going to get any revival or refreshing at all oh...
Take care darling and Godspeed!
He Is The One!
Stay strong Dear..Praying for you!
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